“Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, think about these things.”
Yesterday you talked about being on the same team. One of the quietest ways a team falls apart is not through some big betrayal, but through slowly noticing the wrong things.
It happens without either person deciding to do it. Over time we can start keeping a mental list of what our spouse forgets, what annoys us, what they should be doing better. And the more we look for those things, the more we find them. Attention works like that. Whatever we practice looking for, we get better at seeing.
Paul told the Philippians to train their minds on what is true, honorable, lovely, and worthy of praise. He was writing about life in general, but it lands squarely on marriage. You can aim your attention at your spouse's faults, or at the good in them. Both are really there. The question is which one you rehearse.
The danger isn't that your spouse is perfect and you're inventing problems. The danger is that focusing only on the shortcomings makes you forget the person you fell in love with is still standing in front of you.
Noticing the good on purpose isn't pretending the hard things don't exist. It's refusing to let them crowd out everything else.
Talk About It Together
Take turns. Really listen to what the other person says instead of planning your own answer.
- What is something good about me that first drew you to me?
- What is a small thing I do that you're grateful for but rarely mention?
- When do you feel most appreciated by me?
- Is there something you wish I noticed more often?
- What is one good quality you see growing in me over time?
Tonight’s Challenge
Sometime today or tomorrow, tell your spouse one specific good thing you noticed them do, out loud, in the moment. Not a general compliment. Something you actually saw.
Prayer
Father, You made us to see what we look for. Help us look for the good in each other. Retrain our eyes when we've started keeping score of faults. Thank You for the person beside us, and help us not to take them for granted. Teach us to build each other up with what we notice and what we say. Amen.