“Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.”
Most of us were never taught how to apologize. We were taught how to end an argument, which is a different thing.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry, but you started it." "Fine, I'm sorry, can we drop it?" Those sentences all contain the word sorry and none of them are an apology. They're a truce offer. They stop the noise without touching the hurt.
James says confess to one another so that you may be healed. Healing is the goal, not quiet. A real apology has to actually reach the wound.
A real one usually has four parts. Name what you did, plainly, without the word if. Say that you understand how it landed. Don't explain why it was justified. And say what you'll do differently. "I snapped at you in front of the kids. I embarrassed you and that wasn't fair. I'm sorry. When I'm that wound up I'm going to step outside before I say anything."
Notice what's missing. No but. The moment you add but, everything before it disappears.
The hardest part is going first. Someone has to, and waiting for your spouse to apologize before you will means you might both wait a long time. Going first is not admitting you're the only one who was wrong. It's deciding the marriage matters more than the scoreboard.
And if you're the one receiving it, receive it. Don't use the apology as an opening to relitigate the whole thing. That teaches your spouse that apologizing is dangerous, and next time they won't.
Talk About It Together
Be gentle. This one asks both of you to be a little uncomfortable.
- What does a real apology from me sound like to you?
- Is there something I've apologized for that you don't feel was ever really resolved?
- What makes it hardest for you to say sorry first?
- How do you want to be approached when I know I've hurt you?
- Is there anything either of us needs to apologize for tonight?
Tonight’s Challenge
If you owe your spouse an apology, give it tonight. Name the thing, no excuses, no "but." If nothing is outstanding, thank each other for a time you were forgiven.
Prayer
God, You know how hard it is for us to admit we were wrong. Take away our pride when we need to say sorry, and take away our defensiveness when we need to hear it. Teach us to confess to each other honestly so we can actually heal instead of just going quiet. Amen.